A Girl Named Kyle

You swore and said “we are not…we are not shining stars.”

Tomorrow we find out whether or not my mom keeps her job as is, gets demoted or fired. She keeps saying “it is what it is” but I know the reasons he keeps saying that is to reassure herself. I would know, she raised me, I do the same thing! So here is to hoping and just keep going.

I didn’t have the energy to play with Junior today when I was over there. Makes me sad when I’m like that. I love playing with him and Jasmine, but with this sickness I have and whatnot, my energy levels ebb and flow. 

Oh right, I’m sick. I have some sort of bacterial growth in my stomach which is why I’ve been sick since 2007…like I’ve been telling my doctors but no one believed me. “oh, its just a bug” “oh, its just acid reflux” “oh, its just a side effect from your medication” fuck you. If I tell you something is wrong with me, I know something is wrong with me. Yes, I realize you have to look out for the hypochondriacs and whatnot, but still. It would have been much nicer if you had sent me to a specialist instead of not actually running tests on me and I have to search for a specialist on my own. I had to do a hellish test (endoscopy and colonoscopy, I don’t remember the tests being done which I’m assuming is wonderful. The worst part was the day before prep when you clean out your system…ew.) to find that there is a bacteria in my stomach that is linked to cancer, ulcers, gastritis and other serious diseases. Nothing minor like acid reflux or anything like that. Fun. So I’m on antibiotics that make my mouth taste like bile all day and night and I am actually noticing a difference. So thank you Mr. Specialist who hates his patients and hardly talks to them but is very good at what he does. You finally gave me an answer.

I’m starting to realize things I want again. Car, apartment, serious relationship…two out of the three seem much more attainable now that I have a job and so that is starting to give me hope. Granted I make very little with little hours, but its better than nothing right? Back at the bottom and working my way back to the top. The great thing about this company is that I can grow quickly. So yes, I’m confident enough that once I find my flow in the company I will run my own store within the next few years. Dream big right? I just take the cards given to me and go for the gold every time. 

I want the lights on.

Last night/this morning I yelled at my mom for the fist time. Well, I don’t yell, but I spoke firmly to her. At 2:30 in the morning she still was not home from work (her shift ended at 11) and I was just so frustrated because she works all the time. When she’s not at work she’s still working (talking on the phone, texting whatever). Her co-workers treat her like shit and try to get her in trouble at every turn while they slack off and go home early or show up late on a regular basis. Yet Mom is still getting in trouble and still has to constantly worry about whether or not she has a job. Her job is stressful, she knew that going in, but the stressful part should be the job and not her coworkers. She’s an addictions counselor for adolescent boys and they tend to be less of a problem than the staff. So I had it. 2:30am and she’s still not home? To top it off, mom has this friend who feels like more of just a friend to the family. I might be lying to myself when I say I know she’s not cheating on my dad, but I have to believe it. It may be because he is male and she spends a lot of time with him, but the relationship just does not seem right. I do believe that men and women can be friends without a sexual relationship, but mom has had male friends in the past that we weren’t uncomfortable with. I mean, I know the guy and he’s nice and a good guy, but something is still off. So, when I realized that he was there the entire night also that only made things worse. Also, to backtrack one more time, earlier that evening my best friend called me in distress sounding like she was going to kill herself and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to get her to just buy a megabus ticket and just be here but she wouldn’t go for it. After not hearing from her for 2 hours I tracked down her other best friend’s phone number and asked him what was going on since I knew she would go to him first. Once she had calmed down everything was fine and she was back to be rational (still stressed and upset, but rational) and the police did a suicide assessment on her and she was not taken in. So, when I talk to my mom, I’m already upset, this thing about work and the guy has been building up inside of me and I just word vomit and cry and dump it all out at once over the phone while she is driving home. When she gets home, she explains to me about how ever since she was 20 she has been a mother and has devoted the last 27 years raising her children but now that they are mostly grown she has found something that she worked hard to earn and is her own. Her job is something that she doesn’t have to share. And her relationship with the guy is just a friendship. He’s someone she knows from work whom she can talk about work with and not break laws and he knows what she’s talking about. So we talked, and we’re fine.

Today was her day off, but last night at work a bottle of pills were stolen by the kids and they handed them out to each other. So this being an emergency situation Mom was called in and scared that she was going to lose her job. That was at 5pm….its 11:18pm and she’s still not home. She texted dad that she was working and interrogating the kids (which I assume means she still has a job). But at 10:45 she called dad and he didn’t answer because he went to bed, so she called me to ask me to bring dad his phone and she sounded real upset. So now I feel like a douche bag even though I know I didn’t do anything wrong and I’m just worried about her. 

I started my job today. I think I’m going to like it. At least theres that. 

I’m loving Childish Gambino right now.

Alex left for PA. Didn’t get to say goodbye. Probably will never see him or talk to him again. That sucks, he was pretty awesome. 

I’m super tired of this pain. And I don’t mean the emotional type of pain that appears to follow us all at some point or another. I’m talking the physical pain of my digestion that has me doubled over and almost crying yet again. It comes and goes and I can’t find a pattern. I went to a specialist and he has ordered a test for me that I have dubbed thee “hell” and wish it was sooner just so I could get it over with. I make jokes about it with my brother, like how the cameras they stick in me will high five when they meet in the middle of me and then play scavenger hunt on the way back out. If anyone ever tells you that defeating anorexia will be the hardest part of the illness then they lied. Apparently the after-effects suck something fierce too. I’d gladly go back to the once a year hospital visit of excessive grossness than have this all the time bullshit. I’m so eager to figure out whats wrong with me that I’m willing to turn to the internet to self-diagnose and become a hypochondriac just so I have an answer. Tell me its a food allergy, or crohn’s disease or cancer! Whatever! Tell me something! Then treat it. And if you can’t treat the problem then treat the symptoms and let me go on pain-free. I realize I’m over reacting right now, I’m just frustrated. 

So lets set the world on fire! We can glow brighter than the sun.

So, Alex and I have been sleeping together for quite a while now. Couple months I guess. We knew we wouldn’t be able to do a relationship for the pure fact that he works second shift at a warehouse which puts his sleeping schedule completely different than mine as well as he lives 45 minutes away and I can only see him on the weekends (because of his work). So this entire time I’ve had a crush on him knowing that it didn’t matter because we wouldn’t be able to make it work very well. But this weekend when I went over there (which was one interesting night thanks to his drunk dumbass roommate who is normally really cool, but this time something clicked in him to make him a douche) we were cuddling (which is weird. If I know I’m not supposed to get emotionally attached then I’m not going to expose my vulnerability like that) and he told me about how easy it is to talk to me and how he’s “really digging this cuddling thing” because its cute and how it sucks we can’t date. And now, as I found out this week, its not just because of work and whatnot, its because he’s moving to Pennsylvania. Damn…So not only am I losing out on a great guy, but I’m also losing out on the only person in Illinois who isn’t my family that talks to me more than once a month (if that). So just to reiterate…damn.

On top of that, not having a job has really swung me into a bad depression (if you didn’t notice from my last post) and its to the point where I know I need to find a job to fix this but I’m so tired of applying and not getting anything that I just don’t care to anymore. Its the bad depression where I don’t care to get out of bed because I just don’t have anything to look forward to anymore. Its to the point where going to Nebraska in a few weeks seems so overwhelming and I just don’t want to plan anything because I feel like I’m not going to be able to own up to what I plan and then people will be disappointed when I flake out and the trip wont be as great as I want it to be. I still haven’t bought my dress or shoes for the wedding. Some bridesmaid I am. All I know to do is show up. I don’t know anything about a rehearsal dinner or what else I’m supposed to do but be an accessory for the bride. Shit, I keep forgetting where the wedding is! Let alone how I’m going to get there..I know it’ll work out because Nebraska is that magical place where I have friends who care about me and are willing to help me out and be there for me AND want to hang out with me and have fun…a lot to ask from a friend right? I know..I’m a needy bitch. 

Oh! So the drunk roommate story. Doobie is one of Alex’s roommates (there are 4 guys that live in this house) and he always hangs out with us. He’s pretty cool and a lot of fun to be around. Everyone is moving out of the house because Brian’s parents own the house and Brian bought his own house and so once he moves out the parents are putting the rent back to normal (personally I think this plays a huge factor in why he became douchy that night but I could be wrong. Could also be a factor that nobody had any pot). So Doobie’s friend drank a lot out of Brian’s brand new bottle of Sailor Jerry’s and Brian was pissed about it. So Alex says he’ll buy him a new one and Doobie thinks that he was paying for it since it was his friend. So as the night goes on and we finish the bottle of captain that Alex had brought home to begin with we break into the Sailor Jerry’s. Alex and I are getting close and he asks Doobie to leave (we were drinking in Alex’s room) for a bit. Doobie throws his huge fit about how he needs to get all of his stuff and was arguing for like a half an hour about…I still don’t know. But he leaves with Alex’s laptop (which is his baby…its also brand new) and the bottle of Sailor Jerry’s. While Alex and I are busy, Doobie is in the room right outside of where we are blasting his iPod on the speakers which is a dick move because Brian is trying to watch tv and Josh (the 4th roommate) is trying to sleep because he has work in the morning. So when Alex and I are finished he get him to shut up and come back in the room. The guys fall asleep for a bit and I’m just watching tv and when Alex wakes up he decides he wants to wake up Doobie so they can drink more (which..Doobie did NOT need to drink more..). This is where the shit hit the fan. Turns out Doobie lost the already stolen bottle of Sailor Jerry’s somewhere in the house. He starts yelling at Alex and they start arguing like crazy. Alex gets up to try to find the bottle and I’m still laying in bed and when he walks back in the room, Doobie is laying on the bed trying to make out with me. So Alex is pissed and storms off while I’m going off on Doobie to back the fuck off. When Alex comes back there is more arguing to the point where Alex and I are getting texts from the roommate asking what the hell is going on. I keep trying to diffuse the situation but he keeps making it worse. All the while the bottle still has not been found and Alex has yet to realize that this means his laptop is missing too. Somewhere next in the story (its kinda hazy, I was a little drunk too) Doobie starts in on me about he could say things about me that would just destroy me and how I’ll never amount to anything because I’m a woman with lesser intelligence and I hate myself for that which is why I’m bi to try to cover up for the fact that I’m a woman and all this shit. Let me tell you, those anger management classes have paid off, because I did not kill him. Alex kicked him out of the room and laid into him like a motherfucker. But I sobered up real fast and was raging hardcore. If Doobie wasn’t Alex’s friend form highschool, I would have broken his face. But, drunk ADD brings Doobie back in or he starts doing something, I don’t remember but it starts up again. I’m standing in the kitchen talking to Alex with my back to the door and I hear those drunk footsteps come in and he comes up from behind me and tries to kiss me again! Saying I’ve never been properly kissed by someone who actually cares about me and he just wanted to give that gift to me. I didn’t hit him (yet!) but I was reared back and ready. Alex and I are just so fed up with this we leave to go buy beer. Not that either of us wanted it, we just had to leave. The whole time Alex is apologizing to me and whatnot and I tell him not to worry. We come back and he is hooking his iPod up to the speakers again (which is odd, since last time he did this Alex took the power strip, but I guess he found a way to use the wall-plug in) and we just walk right past and go right into Alex’s room. Alex leaves to use the bathroom or something and Doobie starts in with me and I’m telling him that this argument is a matter of respect and just tell us where the bottle is, its not even that we want to drink anymore its just the principle of the thing at this point, Alex comes back and makes it worse because he yells (I still don’t yell) so everything is getting elevated again. The two of them leave to duke it out and I just watch tv. They both come back in the room with the agreement that this whole thing will be dropped if Alex can slap him twice. So Alex slaps him once but doesn’t know how to backhand which is where I come in and I backhand the shit out of him. I have never been so happy to hit someone in my life! So we’re sitting and watching tv like things are normal. Doobie asks what this argument has been about (because his drunk ass can’t remember things from 30 seconds ago) and then tells us a story about how there was this woman in the basement with him and she broke the ashtray then beat him and ran off and was blaming it all on him. And she was ambidextrous. So that really made the mood light and calmly Alex asks if Doobie will please go find the bottle. Doobie leaves for like 20 mins and comes back with it because this whole time it was next to some couch. I don’t know what couch, but apparently it was there. So now that the guys are cool and whatnot they’re doing shots and the bottle is almost gone when Alex realizes the laptop hasn’t been brought back either. So we go on this manhunt for the laptop, found that Doobie hadn’t cleaned up the broken ashtry and stepped on the glass and tracked blood all over the bathroom floor (not just spots, but bloody footprints…and Alex cleaned up Doobie’s blood earlier that week in the same place so he was pissed). Somehow Alex finds the laptop and hides it in his room and only tells me so that Doobie wont come back in. The rest of the night wasn’t as interesting, more arguing about Doobie being a douche and the roommates are pissed and we just kick him out. We straight up tell him we’re going to have sex again and he walks in twice, surprised each time. After everyone is passed out I go to use the bathroom (its like 7am at this point) and I see some meat cooking on the stove and I assume Brian got up early and was making breakfast so I left it. Apparently not, Doobie started cooking after we went to bed and ate all the food in the fridge. Lovely.

The scary part of the night though was after everyone went to sleep, I started having really bad chest pains. This real bad tight pressure that made my left arm go numb and my limbs shake. Yeah, I probably should have done something about it since it lasted a few hours. But I didn’t want to wake up Alex because he had work the next day, I didn’t want to call an ambulance, I couldn’t drive and I figured my mom would tell me to call an ambulance. So I just laid there and endured it. So I might have had a small heart attack. Thats new. Yay more medical things to worry about! Lets see, I see my therapist tomorrow, my shrink Thursday, the stomach doctor next week so lets add in a heart doctor! Nah. If it happens again I’ll think about it. I don’t have any desire to be on more medication and live in a bubble. 

Tomorrow might not make it but everything’s alright

I quit my job a few weeks ago and I’ve been on a downward spiral ever since. A common misconception with bipolar disorder is that once you have a depressed stage, you will swing into a manic stage. If only! At least then I’d have something to look forward to. After my last depression things leveled out, then started going downward again to the point where I’m obsessing over pills and hoping ex boyfriends will come out of the woodwork to make a dramatic scene in front of my friends (that I also created in my head) and either try to kill me or we just have a big argument. 90% of the time it is them confessing their love for me because I want someone outside of my family who actually wants to be with me. Even if it is a psycho ex whom I will never in a million years be with ever again. It doesn’t even have to be romantic love too! I want a friend in Illinois. Someone who I can call up at any point and say “hey lets hang out” or some shit. I knew leaving college meant my friendship dynamic would change…I just didn’t think it would mean it would die. I want to be in Nebraska so bad. I know I will always have friends there. Even Colorado despite the fact I’ve never been there. 

I am grateful for the supportive family I have. I really really am. If I could combine the two woulds then I don’t think I would have a suicidal thought again! 

I applied for a job in Australia. I know I wont get it, but wouldn’t it be great? Just up and leave, come back once a year. It’ll be lonely at first, but at least its not here where everyone is a paranoid asshole. I do  have a second interview with Victoria’s Secret though. Hopefully I’ll get that and it wont suck. 

I want something to look forward to. I want to be passionate about something. Being laid back is cool and all, but it sucks ass when it comes to making life decisions. 

Best thing that has happened to me this week (minus the last 3 hours when my niece and nephew came over): Joe told me his mom is dying and is almost completely unresponsive and there is nothing the doctors can do for her. He’s a huge momma’s boy so he’s freaking out. I go to have a few drinks with him knowing full well we’re going to have sex because thats all Joe and I do. Later that night during the act Joe starts to choke me (sorry if you didn’t want to know what I’m into, he’s the only one I’ve ever let do that), but since it was pitch black he couldn’t see my face and how far things were going so I blacked out. I had a sweet space-type hallucination that I don’t remember any details, but it was so calming. It was probably around 30 seconds, but it felt longer. He had no idea I blacked out and after that I was shit in bed because I was way too relaxed. Anyway, point of the story is that the highlight of my week was getting choked out by some guy and having a calming hallucination. 

I have a date tomorrow with some guy I met on a dating site. I do want to me him, but I just don’t want to go tomorrow. I just kinda don’t care about anything. With that state of mind I’m pretty sure I’m going to be a really boring date. Way to go on those positive affirmations right? 

Sometimes I don’t know why we’d rather live than die
We look up towards the sky for answers to our lives
We may get some solutions but most just pass us by
Don’t want your absolution ‘cause I can’t make it right

-Avenged Sevenfold

The argument with my boss today

[Call in to work] “Hey I’m going to be late, my sister is stranded on a train. I’ll get there as soon as I can”

[I show up an hour late for work]

“Why are you late?”
“I had to get my sister”

“We had a meeting at 9”

“I know, I’m sorry, I had to get my sister”

[redundant questions..]

“What if this was a meeting with a client?”

“I don’t understand the question”

“Well what are you going to do about it next time”

“I still don’t understand”

“These meetings are important. You always have to be here, no matter what”
“My family comes first. Always. No matter what. If my sister is stranded, I will go get her. Sorry if that bothers you.”

Almost walked out. But no. Tina [my new boss, not who I had this conversation with] has just been thrown into a position that is completely unorganized and needs help organizing so I am doing such. Job hunting is becoming much more serious now though.  

Damnit I’m lonely. Fuck this shit. 

Thats cool, not like I have a job because I need money.

Right! So…that awesome 30/yr salary position I was working? Well here is a fun story. Apparently my boss and I weren’t doing a good enough job so we were told that we could either sign this new contract which takes us off of salary and we’re now paid commission, or be unemployed. Fuck. What sucks even more? Not even my fault. My job is to manage the screeners and make sure appointments are confirmed and events run smoothly. We don’t have events because Nelle hasn’t made a lot (we’re supposed to have 30 and we have 8) and I don’t have any screeners because they all keep quitting. We’ve gone through 6 already. So I’ve been setting up events. I’ve been doing the screenings. I even found us a new client. And I’m not doing my job well enough? Go.Fuck.Yourself. Fine. I’ll take the fucking commission position. I’ll work twice as hard at job that isn’t mine because I should be showing more initiative. I’ll do a damn fucking good job at it too. Then, when I’ve shown you up and shown you how wrong you are, I’ll ask for my salary back. 

Also I’m job hunting. Fuck this. I have a lot that I want to do…like move out of my parent’s house and have my own car and cell phone plan (weird huh?) and I’m not going to accomplish that on a “maybe” paycheck. 

I love Tammy (owner), I respect her a lot. But her company is not going to work out if she can’t retain employees. Full or part time. 

“…yeah I’m kinda a man whore”

“Oh really? How many people have you slept with”

[Long pause + Counting on fingers]

“Uh…7”

” -_- You think that makes you a man whore?”

“Well I go on a lot of dates”

“yeah shut the fuck up. You can still count yours on two hands alright?”

/mylife

/date#2

Changes

I’ve joined online dating. You know why? Because the last…what…3 guys has done the whole “I’m not interested in you but I’m not going to tell you, I’ll just wait till you figure it out by dating other people and not talking to you” deal and I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the shitty relationships I’ve been in and now that I’m home with almost no friends and I don’t know how to meet people in public I have nothing to look forward to in that realm. Now I’m choosing from the meat menu of men online. And it is working out great! I signed up last night and I’ve had a bunch of conversations with guys who are interesting and two of which I might consider meeting. One I already have met and the other was an ex boyfriend I vowed never to speak to again and now we’re on civil speaking terms. I want to be girly. I don’t want to be emotionally unavailable anymore. I want to actually get to the point where I could live with them and be in a serious relationship. I don’t want to keep wondering when this relationship will end. I don’t want to start pulling away just because I assume something is going to go wrong. I don’t want to keep acting like I know exactly what all guys want. So I’m doing something about it. 

Also Bethany made me sign up. That evil wonderful genius. 

And to the one person who writes to me specifically here,

I’m sorry I haven’t answered. Or that I haven’t talked to you or been there for you and have been wrapped up in myself despite the fact you have reached out to me on a few different mediums. I miss this summer when we didn’t go a day without talking to each other. I miss you. Honestly I do. I’m just not good being a friend right now. Not a good excuse…but thats all I’ve got.